18 [Equally Ineffective] Ways To Say “Stop Being An Asshole” To Your Child

  1. “Let’s practice our patience.”
  2. “I can’t understand you when you whine.”
  3. “Use your words.”
  4. “Do you see Bobby’s sweaty, crimson, tear-smeared face? Can you hear his primordial howls of fury? How do you think he feels right now?”
  5. “Do you think that was a gentle touch?”
  6. “Do you think that was a good choice?”
  7. “Are you looking forward to a cookie after supper tonight? That might be something to consider when weighing the pros and cons of ‘tapping’ your sister on the head again.”
  8. “Do you think there’s another small vehicle in the coffin-sized toy chest full of matchbox cars that might make you as happy as the missing red convertible corvette? Or no?”
  9. “It’s more polite to say ‘I don’t care for the thoughtfully prepared, well-balanced yet delicious meal you made for me’ rather than ‘I hate this dinner.’”
  10. “Are you being a good listener?”
  11. “Are you being a good cooperator?”
  12. “Resting your full weight by way of your knobby elbow into mummy’s tummy doesn’t feel very good.”
  13. “How would you feel if I sharpied all over your vintage silk duvet?”
  14. “Let’s try taking a deep breath.”
  15. “Mummy’s feeling a little frustrated.”
  16. “Do you think Susie likes it when you spit into her ear?”
  17. “I’m not sure that’s a very nice way to talk to me.”
  18. “One. Two. Three.”








Sara Petersen

I am a bookworm, a lover of all things beautiful and curious and fun, and a total perfectionist when it comes to writing clear, relatable, REAL prose. I am obsessive about searching the depths of the Internet for the most perfect of all French butter crocks. I am ever-intrigued about how life, love, and relationship continue to shift and morph in my thirties

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