1. No one is ever ready to have a baby.
2. Do you like sleep? Do you enjoy retreating to a cool, dark bedroom at a time of your choosing, snuggling deeply into the fluffy covers, and letting beautiful unconsciousness take you on a lengthy journey of 6-9 uninterrupted hours? If your answer is no, congratulations! Disinterest in sleep might be the single most critical point of proof that you are indeed ready to have a baby.
3. Do you enjoy physical autonomy? Do you like having the use of your limbs with which to do whatever you bloody well want? Do you like walking freely without a small creature clinging to your ankles? Do you like sipping your morning cup of coffee unencumbered by an 11-pound mammal strapped to your chest? Do you appreciate sitting in a chair and peering down at an empty lap? If these things don’t appeal to you, you might be ready to take on years of parasitic physical attachment.
4. How do you feel about being in control of your emotions? Do you relish going for a run or a yoga class to unwind and release some tension? Are you digging relative hormonal peace, or are you looking for more emotional challenges, more disorienting peaks and valleys to really test your emotional mettle? More simply, are you not crying enough? If you’re craving more opportunities for your neglected tear ducts, a baby could be an excellent option.
5. We’ve discussed the heart – now lets talk about the brain. Are you the type of person who enjoys order, control, organization, schedules? Do you like being on time? Do you like being in control of your day? Do you like making neat little checklists and ticking things off oh-so-smugly? If so, please stop reading and consider this publication instead.
6. How do you feel about community tables at restaurants? If you’re into family style eateries or shared plates, that’s a good sign you’re ready to go a step further and relinquish all ownership of mealtime completely. If the idea of forfeiting rights to your plate appeals to you, a baby is a great idea, because the baby will eventually grow to be a toddler, and as such, will consider all edible items within her vicinity hers for the taking.
7. What does personal hygiene mean to you? How do you feel about moisturizing your skin, removing hair from your legs, brushing plaque off of your teeth? More to the point, do you enjoy being clean? If so, having a baby might not be for you. Consider shaking up your soap game instead. This one and this one are both great options.
8. Do you like white? A crisp teeshirt? A soft, multiple-thread-count pillowcase? How about an oatmeal-colored linen chair? A plush ivory sweater? Clean, classic walls? If you favor hues of the lightest shades, a baby might not be in the cards.
9. Are you a conversationalist? Do you enjoy going head to head with a verbal sparring partner, weighing the pros and cons of the latest hot topics in politics, education, pop culture, the arts? Or are you more the type that likes to chat over a cup of tea with a dear friend? Update each other on life events and humorous anecdotes? Do you make a habit of following through on thoughts? Remembering what you did last weekend? Finishing a sentence un-interrupted? If conversational flow and ease are important to you, please return to list item #4.
10. Are you a social butterfly? A party animal? The belle of every ball? Do you enjoy doing anything after 9pm? If you’re the type of person whose idea of a wild night is a 5 o’clock dinner date followed by an intense episode of Fixer-Upper, a baby will be the just the thing to keep you tied down to the ol’ homestead, free from distractions of nightlife, bars, hip restaurants, musical events, or other things that adults seems to enjoy after 9pm.
11. If, after reading this list, you’re confident that a baby is the right choice for you, consider one more comparatively small aspect of child rearing: joy. Painful, heart-wrenching, shocking joy. Imagine a tiny butterfly hand softly patting your hair as two big eyes look adoringly into yours. Imagine the day your needy blob suddenly throws a gummy grin your way, revealing a little glimpse of personality, of humanity, of light. Imagine the first time your charge hugs you back, like really hugs you back, tiny fists clutched around your neck. Imagine your three-year-old randomly using the word “otherwise” in conversation – straight outta nowhere. Imagine the shrieks and giggles as the living, breathing result of your decision to have a baby swings up, up, up into the sky, and down, down, down into your arms.
If all of this flowery shit sounds nice, go for it.
